A Black Bean in Exile.

2011-12-11

Live performance has an urgency that no text has ever had for me.

2011-08-05

When a theory is transformed into an ideology, it begins to destroy the self and self-knowledge. Originally born of feeling, it pretends to float above and around feeling. Above sensation. It organizes experience according to itself, without touching experience. By virtue of being itself, it is supposed to know. To invoke the name of this ideology is to confer truthfulness. No one can tell it anything new. Experience ceases to surprise it, inform it, transform it. It is annoyed by any detail which does not fit into its world view. Begun as a cry against the denial of truth, now it denies any truth which does not fit into its scheme. Begun as a way to restore one’s sense of reality, now it attempts to discipline real people, to remake natural beings after its own image. All that it fails to explain it records as its enemy. Begun as a theory of liberation, it is threatened by new theories of liberation; it builds a prison for the mind.

— Susan Griffin, “The Way of All Ideology”

2011-08-02

Black male sexism has undermined struggles to eradicate racism just as white female racism undermines feminist struggle. As long as these two groups, or any group, defines liberation as gaining social equality with ruling-class white men, they have a vested interest in the continued exploitation and oppression of others.

— bell hooks (Gloria Watkins)

2011-07-28

I have dark hair.

(Just practicing no longer having an outdated physical image of myself.)

2011-07-02

I’m just a fucking ball of nostalgia all the time and I always have been, even when I was extremely young and I had significantly less experience to be nostalgic about.

It’s okay to write shitty songs it’s okay to write shitty songs it’s okay to write shitty songs it’s okay to write shitty songs because sometimes a song can be a conversation that you couldn’t have with a real person and even if it’s shitty in song form it’s okay because you’re doing something and it’s pretty possible that doing something is better than not doing something, particularly because life is so fucking short and maybe it would be nice to keep some kind of record of thoughts and/or feelings and maybe caffeine is okay sometimes but maybe it would be even better if this kind of energy could be achieved without caffeine and I love everyone but everyone makes me so sad, mostly because none of them are here and even more frighteningly they will be gone forever one day soon and I just want to write people songs and letters, but my wrists are fucked up from the job I need to quit, so it hurts to write and play guitar, and I miss the love of my life and I don’t know what I’ll do if he dies first and I just can’t believe that we all have to die and to tell you the truth I’m considerably in denial and despite my overwhelming skepticism/pessimism, I’m still such a typical human in that I am so attached to everything that I’m going to lose even though I’m going to lose it and even though it’s all just accidental and even though none of it matters and even though we’re all going to cease to exist, but our atoms probably won’t, which is pretty cool, and it’s so cool that we got to exist and experience things anyway, ‘cause what the fuck, we’re on this weird spherical thing where vegetation grows and we eat it and use resources to build things and destroy things and even though we’re ruining everything, it’s pretty impressive that we could even get to the point of ruining everything and I just want to hug everything and never let go and I don’t know why I don’t want to let go and maybe one day I’ll get so tired that I’ll want to let go and maybe that’s something to hope for, but it probably doesn’t matter at all whether or not I want to let go, ‘cause it’s not up to me anyway.

2011-05-19

Suppressing an obvious Virginia Woolf pun here.

Part of me thinks this is really selfish, but right now I’m really wishing I had a real work space to myself. This means a place to do work:

With a desk large enough to fit my computer and books
With a chair
With enough light
With no internet access or phone service
That is not a bed with a reading pillow
With no yelling or crying children or adults in audible proximity
With no one practicing electric bass in audible proximity
With no one watching television or listening to music in audible proximity
With no one in proximity

The other part of me realizes that there are likely people who have this and take it for granted. To those folks I say, “Don’t take it for granted!” Or more accurately, “Take it for granted and rent it out to me sometime!”

2011-05-16

Maybe caffeine isn’t so bad at the right time of day with the right amount of food already in one’s system. Maybe it’s okay to use it to help get things done during finals time. Maybe I have a really great best friend. Nah, that last maybe’s a definite fact.

2011-05-05

Anxiety sucks and I’m scared of everything, but existence is pretty effin’ cool!